How to: Chicago

Please enjoy this tutorial of how to take on the city (and suburbs) of Chicago.

Before you go: Plan a trip to celebrate the end of your internship (and the official end of college for you) by having a final visit with one of your best friends before she moves across the country.  Spend weeks anticipating the weekend, and then forget an important stack of clothes on your bed.  Nobody needs underwear, right?  Right.

Step 1: Accidentally drive THROUGH Chicago during rush-hour.
Bonus: Only have one anxiety attack.
Step 2: Arrive, and immediately be offered a glass of wine, eat the most delicious pizza with REAL, ENTIRE STRIPS OF BACON ON IT, and then sit outside by the fire pit with friend and her incredibly hospitable parents.

How To: Chicago | Candidly Kelsey

Step 3: Take the commuter train into the city the next morning.
Bonus: Ride the train for free because the conductor forgets to check/sell tickets.
Step 4: Take stereotypical tourist pictures.

How To: Chicago | Candidly Kelsey

Optional: Take somewhat confusing tourist picture. (It’s the Leaning Tower of Pisa Pose. Get it? Eh? Ehh?)

How To: Chicago | Candidly Kelsey

Step 5: Stop into Water Tower Place (mall?) when your feet begin to hurt, accidentally stumble upon a wine bar while looking for a coffee shop.  Oops?

How To: Chicago | Candidly Kelsey

Step 6: Return to place you are staying that evening, proceed to get ready for the Party Trolley.
Step 7: Party on said trolley, cruising the city while drinking vodka lemonades and yelling at pedestrians on street.  Don’t forget to stop and take a gorgeous picture of the skyline.

How To: Chicago | Candidly Kelsey

Optional: Pick up a pedestrian who just happens to be wearing a shirt that proved he went to your college.  Don’t ask any questions when he jumps on the back of the trolley.  Just roll with it.  It’s fine.
Step 8: Exit trolley.

How To: Chicago | Candidly Kelsey

Step 9: Let’s not talk about it.
Step 10: Leave city the next morning, return to suburbs.
Bonus: Leave your wallet, your favorite make up brush, and your dignity somewhere within the city.  Ask no questions, except “How do I cancel my credit cards?” and “What are the odds someone is going to steal my identity?”
Step 11: Enjoy final moments with one of your best friends before she moves many many hours away to start her big girl job.  Feel too broken from loss of pride (and license) to cry about missing her.
Step 12: Accept money from your friend’s amazingly gracious parents to help you get home.  Stop in NW Indiana to visit ex-roommate/other best friend for one day.
Step 13: Watch the Bachelorette Finale from her hot tub, and then sit around fire until 2am.  Try not to cry that college is officially over, summer is almost over, and real life is actually happening as friend discusses moving to law school.  Ignore the fact that you have no idea what you are doing with your life.
Step 14: Wake up entirely too early, and drive the last three hours home, still without wallet.
Bonus: Accidentally order $12.00 worth of fried chicken at a rest stop with precious, precious gas money.
Step 15: Shower off the last shred of embarrassment (and the chicken smell), and muster up the courage to go to a job interview.

How To: Chicago | Candidly Kelsey

Step 14: Rejoice. You are now gainfully employed as a waitress.
Step 15: Use your college diploma to soak up your tears while you go shop for black pants and non-stick shoes.  Tomorrow is the first day of training.


12 Thoughts While of Moving Out of Your First Apartment

I had this really witty idea while driving home from Bloomington (aka riding shotgun in Dad’s truck, RIP: My Butt) about doing the “12 Stages of Moving Out Of Your First Apartment” a la the 12 Steps of Addiction… But then I felt it would not be politically correct and/or would be insensitive.  Or I just felt so superior about the whole thing (and my amazing comedic skills) that I didn’t feel the need to write the idea down, and promptly forgot all of my thoughts.

So instead, I present:

12 Thoughts While of Moving Out of Your First Apartment

12 Thoughts While Moving Out of Your First Apartment | Candidly Kelsey

1. I hate cleaning.

2. Movers. Now I understand why this industry flourishes.

3.  I don’t think I’ll ever get the smell of bleach out of my clothes/hair/hands/skin/nose.

4.  Also, maid service.  That is also a profession that needs more appreciation.  Maid Parade?

5. I really should’ve made housekeeping a bigger priority when I lived here.  There is no reason there needs to be THIS much dust on baseboard.  And how does dust even collect on walls? It’s a vertical surface.  Shouldn’t gravity have taken care of that?*

6. When in the HELL did I purchase a cake stand?! (But really. WHY in the world did I have a glass cake stand? I vaguely remember purchasing it at the GoodWill before moving in, thinking I would be super cute and domestic, and have all this time after classes, studying, working, sorority commitments, and Congress to do things like BAKE A F’ING CAKE. Goodness gracious.)

7. Who cares if it’ll get scratched? Shove all the furniture on the trailer, strap it down and let’s go.  Did I mention how under appreciated moving/packing services are?  Such a great and noble profession.

8. Why did I not buy booze for this?

9. I’d really like to take a shower, but all my towels are cushioning my shot glasses, and coffee mugs.  So like… Priorities.

10. I really hate cleaning.

11. Maybe if I shove toothpaste into the nail holes in my walls, they won’t notice them during the move-out inspection. (HINT: IT TOTALLY WORKED, everyone needs to try this. YOU’RE WELCOME!)

12. Shit. This means I officially live with Mom again, doesn’t it?


Final thoughts? Say it with me again now: Mo-ving Ser-vice.


Destiny’s Child: Fate (Sorry, Beyonce)

Lady Fate has been kicking my ass lately.

I am a big believer in Signs From The All-Knowing Creator Of The Universe (<— insert your chosen higher power here).  Sometimes, when I am having problems making decisions (see: always), I attempt to cheat the system by telling myself that somehow there will be a sign from the Universe telling me which is The Right Way.  Usually this is a load of bullshit and I just end up procrastinating with no direction until the very last second, but lately this style of decision-making has been on point.

Example: For the last few months, I have been toying with the idea of moving to California.  I’m young, I’m unappealing– whoops, I mean– unattached, and could really land anywhere I please at this point.  I went to visit family in Anaheim not too long ago and immediately fell in love with the Los Angeles area (and the idea of finding a hot hipster boyfriend), so it only makes sense that I try this out while I’m young.  Plus, when I inevitably fail– because, let’s be real here, I do not have near the people skills required to move to a whole new state [again]– I will still be young enough that it will be socially acceptable to crawl back home to Mommy or Daddy.

Talking About Fate | Candidly Kelsey

And as I am telling myself this, I still keep finding excuses to not make this super scary, financially risky and life-changing theoretical move.  However, Lady Fate keeps throwing signs my way: perfect job postings in Orange County, getting “California” as the place where I should live on Buzzfeed Quizzes (AKA the internet bible), people actually telling me things like “You know where you should go? California!” or even being offered rent-free temporary housing in LA.

It’s like enough, enough already.  I get it. I should probably move.

…Right? Maybe? I’m not sure. Can someone pass me a Xanax?

But I digress (and will continue to put that thought off for yet another day).

Now back to the current moment: the second official post on my cute little blog.  As I sat down to write, I was at a loss for words.  Though I have been told numerous times that I should blog because my Twitter is hil-ar-i-ous (humble brag, humble brag, humble brag), putting my thoughts that are greater than 140 characters out for others to read (or mock) is absolutely terrifying.  Who am I to say anything that anyone would actually care to read?  As far as I’m concerned, I have no authority in this world, no real voice, or important purpose.  I’m merely a bored kid (adult?!) in Ohio.

Cue: Fate.

I stumble across a post on the Internetz entitled “7 Ways You’re Making Blogging Harder Than It Has To Be“.  It basically cited every single insecurity about this little writing experiment I’ve had since tweeting my blog URL yesterday.  Right down to the “I’m afraid of the Negative Nancys'”.  Thanks, Lady Fate.  Way to hit the nail on the head.

Which brings me to my long-winded conclusion: Fuck it.  Fate sent the sign, I saw the sign (Who else just sang the song in their head? Just me? Oh.) and I shall listen.  I will write.  And maybe I will move to California (LOLOLOLOLOL). Or maybe I will go get another glass of wine, watch another episode of Orange is the New Black and.  Who knows.

Until next time.


Testing, 1-2-3?

(Oops, I moved from to Blogspot (and as of 1/10/16, now on WordPress!). I needed that RSS feed availability, sorry ’boutcha.)

As this is the inaugural post on my new procrastination toy… I mean, totally serious blog project of mine… I feel like there should be some pomp and circumstance or I should have a really moving opening statement of purpose.  As usual, however, when I want to produce something of worth, my mind is completely blank.  Typical.

An Introduction to Candidly Kelsey

I am starting this blog because post-graduate life is boring.  Especially when you chose to go to an out-of-state school, and then are forced to say goodbye to all of your best friends to move back home (see: rent-free, and rubbing Mom’s feet for $25 dollars at a time because you are currently working as an unpaid intern, and still need to find a way to pay your phone bill and feed your Chipotle addiction).

To sum up: my life is sad, I am unemployed, and I have a lot of thoughts and ideas with nobody to share them with.  So I did the blog thing.

(Is this post interesting? Boring? Is anyone still reading? Is my grammar horrible? Was this just another miscalculated idea that I will eventually abandon, much like starting Insanity or that juice cleanse?)

There will probably be a smattering of different posts, including a lot of my 2am thoughts, some health and fitness ideas, tips and tricks, and some bragging pictures of any cool things I may happen to do (LOL).  Or this may be the first and only post, and I never share this link with anyone, and this will forever disappear into cyberspace.  Which is also a very possible outcome.

So hello. Welcome to my blog. I hope I do not disappoint… and if I do, I really don’t care.