10 Reasons Why I’m A Garbage Person

It's fine to be a Garbage Person... to an extent. And I'm afraid I may have gone past that acceptable range... // CandidlyKelseyBlog.com

Hello, my name is Kelsey and I am a Garbage Person.

What is a Garbage Person, you ask? Oh, you didn’t ask at all? That’s fine because I’m still going to tell you.

Being a Garbage Person is a way of life. It’s being so lazy in certain aspects of life that you are ashamed to admit your laziness out loud. It’s doing certain things with so little effort that you are almost impressed with yourself. Garbage People are not exactly gross, unmotivated, or bad people. But we can be sometimes… and we’re okay with it. #GarbagePersonForLife

However, my Garbage-ness is starting to overtake my regular self. And I feel like I am falling into a downward spiral and need to pull myself out of it or else I face a very trashy future.

To start the healing process it seems as if admitting my Garbage-ness is the first step. But, as I’m afraid I may lose some of my friends if I were to truly admit all of my Garbage ways, I thought I’d just round up the highlights.

10 Reasons I’m A Garbage Person

  1. In the past week I have sprayed air freshener from the work restrooms on myself because I forgot perfume that morning and was worried that I might smell. So instead I smell like “fresh linen.”
  2. I really wanted a milkshake to drown my sorrows in while I worked on job applications but I didn’t have a blender, so I let the ice-cream melt on the counter so I could sip it instead.
  3. Without finishing my current coffee I have bought another coffee in anticipation of needing it. Two coffees. I even had someone commemorate it with a picture.
  4. Every single one of my “bright spots” (AKA a happy thing in our lives) at our weekly staff meeting at work has been related to food. If it’s not then I get called out for it. My brand at work is “food.”
  5. I recently tried to throw my garbage away but the garbage chute was full so I just turned around brought the garbage back into my apartment. Seriously. Actual Garbage Person. The dumpster felt too far. I may or may not live on the second floor, but it still felt too far.
  6. On more than one occasion I have used lipstick as blush when I couldn’t find my blush.
  7. I have faked receiving a phone call to get out of a conversation at least twice in the last month. One of those times was today. I’m not sorry.
  8. Last week I set up my mat to do yoga and then instead laid on the mat for 45 minutes watching baking videos on my phone instead of actually doing yoga. And then left the mat on the floor because “my cat likes to lay on it.”
  9. Once, when my leggings ripped, instead of just not wearing them I used duck-tape on the inside of the legging to cover the hole until I went to get new ones. I even drew on the exposed tape with a black marker to help it blend in. I also did this many, many, many times, and thought it was hilarious.
  10. After catering shifts, instead of taking a regular shower, I sit down in my tub with my shower on when I wash my hair. It takes forever and totally defeats the purpose of a shower. But my legs are usually throbbing so I refuse to apologize for this.

And those are just the things that I feel comfortable admitting. I’m hoping that by stating that I have a problem I can start to heal from my trashy tendencies. Recognizing the problem is the first step, right?

Thank you all for your kind thoughts as I try to work through this rough point in my life.

Do you have Garbage-like tendencies? What are they? I’d love to hear them so I can start to hate myself less. Leave them in the comments!


10 Ways To Fight Blogger’s Block

Don't get discouraged when you have no original thoughts. Here are 10 super simple ways to right the dreaded blogger's block. // www.CandidlyKelseyBlog.com

I’ve had blogger’s block for months, and fighting it is starting to get reallllll tiring.

The mind is a mysterious thing. Creativity is a muscle*, and it can tire just like a regular muscle. Use it too much, it gets sore, and won’t give you the results you want.  Use it too little, it will atrophy and it still won’t give you the results you want.  If you ask me, creativity is a finicky little motherf*cker.

My blog has been almost silent for months.  Words just weren’t coming to me, and it stressed me out to try to produce content that made me proud.  Eventually I just stopped, because it was making me anxious to try to worry about it.

But then today (after a conversation with my therapist, of all things) I decided to just lean into the blogger’s block. Why not write about that? How many other bloggers get blogger’s block? It’s a universal thing. Everyone can relate, so everyone will get this post. How can that possibly go wrong?

Bingo. So here is a post you definitely didn’t ask for.

10 Fool-Proof Tips To Fight Blogger’s Block

  1. Throw your computer out the window. It may not help you write a post, but at least it will give you an excuse as to why you don’t have a post. The dog ate my homework. My laptop is in a pile on the asphalt. Whatever.
  2. Write about what you ate for breakfast. Who doesn’t want to read a 500 word essay about your Cheerios? I know I’d be riveted. Extra points if there’s bacon.
  3. Interview your cat. I’m sure he/she has great ideas. When the cat is no help, interview the dog.
  4. Spin around in a circle with your laptop clutched to your chest until the words just come to you. It especially helps if you have Bloglovin’ open on the screen while you do it.
  5. Copy and paste another blogger’s post. Copy their pictures too. Make sure to remove the watermark, it’ll be fine. Nobody will notice that you blatantly ripped off someone else’s material.
  6. Look up those super helpful blog posts about needing blog post ideas. Reading about writing about your worst nightmare, or everyday make-up routine for the 40th time is definitely bound to spark some creativity. It’s like flicking a switch. Brain go ON!
  7. Cry in the shower.
  8. Organize your house. Then quit halfway though and think of a great idea to blog about as a procrastination tool while you avoid the mess you’ve made while organizing your house.  You can’t find your cat, or your child (if you have one) but who cares because now you have MOTIVATION.
  9. Listen to Lemonade and feel Beyoncé’s words move you. Becky with the good hair is bound to spark some ideas.
  10. Have a glass of wine. Or six. Totally forget about how you can’t think of a story, and just enjoy your night. Motivation is for losers anyway.

Or, you can just take a break, realize that it’s not that big of a deal, and just write what seems to flow out of you. And I’m only sort of kidding on #10. Sometimes the glass of wine really does help. Just be careful not to take it to an extreme, or you’ll end up completing #1.

Do you have blogger’s block? How have you combated it? Share your tips — real or silly– in the comments!

*Alright, scientist. No it’s not a real muscle, it’s a metaphor. Get off my back. Gosh.


27 Thoughts During The Super Bowl

27 Thoughts During The Super Bowl, featuring men falling down and dancing in tights. // www.CandidlyKelseyBlog.com

Super Bowl. Did you watch last night? I did. If you missed it, don’t worry. Here’s what happened.

  1. Super Bowl 50. It’s hard to believe men have been hugging each other and falling down for points for 50 years. Good for them.
  2. I should really learn Roman Numerals.
  3. God, I love dips. We should all really eat more dips.
  4. Is it time for Beyonce yet?
  5. Is that a Monkey or a dog? Oh my god, it has human legs. Monkey-Dog-Human? It has a pug face? This is worse than the actual game.
  6. Men in tight pants, men in tight pants, men in tight pants, men in tight pants…
  7. SPORTS!
  9. Paging Queen Bey, Queen Bey to the field, please…
  10. Football players are just men who were too large to be dancers. That’s why they wear tights, and dance in the end zones. I’m positive.
  11. Is it too soon to get seconds on the dips?
  13. Orrr talk about sports for 45 minutes, that’s fine too.
  14. Is Chris Martin a hologram? Is he real? He’s not real. That’s not a real man on the field. Was he real? What if all the fans ran over him?
  15. How did the crowd all know to wear matching outfits?
  16. Not Beyonce.
  17. You’re not Beyonce.
  18. Still not Beyonce.
  19. Giant flower flags. I’m so into it.
  21. Are they going to make Beyonce and Bruno Mars dance next to another? Because that just seems mean. How will the camera adjust for their height difference?
  22. Did she almost fall? I think she almost fell. Recovered nicely. Proud of you, boo.
  23. Oh hell, they’re doing it. They’re dancing together. Who’s the white guy behind them?
  24. This feels so “We Are The World”. Is this a football game or a telethon for charity? Who do I donate my money to? I don’t care who the cause is, I just feel so uplifted.
  26. God, that was intense. I think I need a shower now. Or more dip. Definitely more dips.
  27. I love football.


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15 Things I Learned In 2015

Last year I posted 14 I Learned in 2014.  Upon reviewing it, I realized that very few things in the world has changed since.  Taylor is still Queen, gluten is still talked about in hushed tones by some people, nobody has any idea where those planes are, and pants are still mostly useless.

However, a new year came a lot of new adventures- like moving to an entirely different city on a whim- and a few new lessons.  Let’s go over the highlights, shall we?

15 Things I Learned in 2015

1. If you get lip injections before you graduate high school, you will become an Instagram star.  This seems to be the alternative to having a sex tape that will upgrade you from “rich girl” to “celebrity” and even help you bypass said sex tape actress in regards to internet fame.

2. Finding the right brunch spot can change your life.  Mountains can be moved if you find a place that also has bottomless mimosas.

3. Adding oil to your face regularly can reduce your acne. If you’ve spent the past few years thinking this was bullsh*t, just try it.  You will be shocked.

4. Donald Trump’s lips look like a butthole. He also sounds like a butthole when he opens his mouth.

5. Despite the fact that the world seems to be supremely okay with Caitlin Jenner, and are more than happy to publicize her, still nobody seems to be talking about the continued violence against trans people.  It’s very confusing.

6. Just when you think you’ve cried all the tears you could ever cry for a fictional show, they kill off Derek Shepherd. You were just starting to get over Dumbledore’s death, and now THIS.

7. Sometimes you can feel like a super adult, and then other times you genuinely feel paralyzed with fear for the world, and things that happen, and you feel like a toddler again. And then you pay your bills and feel like an adult again.  I know, it’s really weird.

8. But then you remember all the ways you can fight to make things better everyday, and that an army is made up of individual people, so it is possible to make a difference.

9. The only thing that could ever be better than a puppy video is a puppy and a kitten in one video. Unlikely best friends forever.

10.  If you thought being just graduated from college felt weird, feeling like you have been out of college for “awhile” is even weirder.  And still being unsure of what the rest of your life will look like at this stage is starting to feel normal, and far less anxiety inducing. So if you’re only a year out, don’t panic.  It gets better.

11.  APPARENTLY, casually asking a guy on a 5th date what his plans for his future are is a major no-no.  Never ask about anything ever.  Even if you’re talking about how unhappy he is at his current job, and wanting to switch jobs, NEVER ask about his career goals.  Getting to know someone is not part of dating.  Wanting to know their hopes/dreams is a turn-off.  How dare you.

12. Despite the fact that guns shoot bullets that can cause fatal injury to someone, there is still somehow a debate over if being able to buy them three aisles over from the children’s bicycles at any major superstore is adding to the gun problem in America.  I know, I’m confused too.

13. Making spinach and artichoke dip at home is shockingly easy, and everyone needs to try it immediately. I can’t emphasize enough how important this.

14. Don’t knock something until you’ve tried it. Apply that to any situation in which you are not hurting yourself or others, and you may be surprised at the outcome.

15. Stepping outside your comfort zone is terrifying, but making a leap into a giant unknown can have a major pay-off.  If you go into it thinking failure is not an option, you won’t fail*

2015 started awfully, then ended up pretty great.  I only have higher hopes for 2016, and hope everyone has a safe and happy New Year!

*I have no idea if this is actually true, but it worked for me. And besides, if you fail, the worst thing you can do is start from scratch.


Why My Cat is the Greatest and Yours Sucks

This is Gracie.  She’s 2 years old (I think), and she’s better than your cat.

My Sassy Cat Is Better Than Your Cat | Candidly Kelsey

This isn’t negotiable.  Allow me to present the facts.

1.  She is a rescue.  And not any rescue, but I stole liberated her from underneath a deck, where she was just living like a little badass.  She was all on her own, but instead of panicking, she found herself a warm home.  She is a self-sufficient little lady.

2.  She has white paws, and and white lips.  It’s like she dipped her face in milk, but DGAFs too hard to wipe her face.  I can respect that.

3.  She is a curvy lady, and she doesn’t care.  I can appreciate a gal who likes to eat, and who is self-confident enough to beg ask for treats.  Go on with your bad self, Gracie.

My Sassy Cat Is Better Than Your Cat | Candidly Kelsey
My Sassy Cat Is Better Than Your Cat | Candidly Kelsey

4.  She is smarter than any other cat.  She knows the right time that I have stopped paying attention, and it’s clear for her to climb up on the counter and lick my plates.  She has learned that I like to keep my lip balms (her favorite toy) on top of my dresser, so if she climbs up there at 3am, she can always find at least one to throw to the floor to play with.  Also, 3am is the time when I’m sleeping, so she can totally play with all her noisy toys without being interrupted.  She’s so courteous.

5. She is always watching.  I get all the latest dirt about my neighbors.  It’s like living with Perez Hilton, but with more shedding.  I can always count on her to keep an eye on things, and for her to fill me on the gossip.

My Sassy Cat Is Better Than Your Cat | Candidly Kelsey

6. She has the most perfect “B*tch, are you kidding me?” look I’ve ever seen.  Just try to interrupt her when she’s doing something important, like licking her butt. I dare you.  Get slapped with a look that will turn your blood cold.  She’s perfect.

My Sassy Cat Is Better Than Your Cat | Candidly Kelsey

7.  She parties harder than anyone I know. All nighters.  Pizza and wine.  She’s about that life.

My Sassy Cat Is Better Than Your Cat | Candidly Kelsey

8. She knows new is always better.  She doesn’t care that she has 15 different toys already on the floor.  She will go after the hair-band on my table because she’s never seen it before, so obviously it’s more fun.  She has exquisite taste.

9. She is very resourceful.  When she loses her balance and starts to fall off things, she’s really good at using her claws to catch herself and climb back up.  Things like my coat, my sheets, and my comforter.  Better yet, she has learned if she claws holes in any of these things now, it’s easier for her to dig her claws into them the next time she almost falls.  Like rock climbing, only expensive for me.  She’s a genius.

10.  She cares so much for others.  Like when I’m working, and she knows I just want to cuddle instead.  She puts me first, which I can appreciate.

My Sassy Cat Is Better Than Your Cat | Candidly Kelsey

Therefore, she is the best cat ever.  Your cat may be nice, but Gracie is the best. #QUEEN